Diagnosing Bipolar DisorderSharpening the Saw: The Importance of Being Given the Right Tools

by H.M.
(San Diego, CA )

Bipolar is not a term a term that defines me. It does not determine my character, goals, ambitions, and relationships. This simple realization took many years of hard work to accomplish. Being diagnosed with bipolar disorder was just the first step in my long road of hard work to manage this disorder with proper medication, exercise, and continuous reference to self-help books.

My first semester at college, I was diagnosed with depression. The pain of depression is indescribable. Not only the physical pain, but also the mental abuse I put myself through. I would not get out of bed for several days, and my body withered away to nothing. The people I believed were my friends abandoned me, and my family had no idea how to handle me. As a result of my depression, I failed every single one of my classes that semester. All throughout high school I was an excellent student, so seeing four giant Fs on my transcript eventually lead to a suicide attempt around Christmas.

This is how I found myself in the psychiatric offices of my hospital. I was quickly placed on the standard antidepressant, and began to see my therapist several times a week. During this time, I was given David Burn's book Feeling Good. Reading this book helped me realize that I was not as worthless and hopeless as I was making myself out to be. I was given some words of wisdom that will forever stick with me, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

About a month after taking the antidepressants, I began to come out of my depression. However, I still did not feel well. While I did not feel depressed, I felt neither here nor there. Life began to feel like a series of daily rituals. I lived in this zombie state for about another month before I quit taking the antidepressants.

I could not believe how alive I felt! I had so many ideas running through my head that I would often stay up all night writing them down. I blew off my appointments with my psychiatrist, along with my classes. Who needs classes when you have as many brilliant ideas as I had? I was sure to make it big, and began to spend my money as though I already had. Four months, and four Fs later, I found myself kicked out of school, and back in the oh-so familiar waiting room of my doctors office.

I was given a different antidepressant, but the listless side effect remained unchanged. However, I continued to regularly see my physiatrist in an effort to help my school understand that I had not been myself the past year. When describing my behavior the previous semester, my psychiatrist suggested that perhaps I might have bipolar disorder. My psychiatrist had me undergo a series of tests including the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI). She also had me describe any strange behaviors my relatives might have displayed in the past. I remembered stories my mom had told me about my grandma disappearing for weeks. She had affairs with several men and, as a result of her shopping sprees, placed the family deep in debt.

Given my family history, my test results, and my reaction to the antidepressants, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder with Anxiety on September 3, 2007. I will always remember this day as the day I got my life back. I was placed on Lamotrigine and joined a support group for persons living with bipolar disorder.

I picked up a book entitled The Bipolar Handbook: Real Life Questions with up-to-date Answers by Wes Burgess which further helped me understand my disorder and gave me useful tools to help me remain in control of my moods. I began to find healthy ways to relieve stress, exercise being the most important one. I picked up surfing and began to golf again after a three-year hiatus. Sometimes I find myself slipping into either a manic or depressive state, but now that I know the signs, I can sharpen my tools by referring to my books to help get me back on track.

Being properly diagnosed is so important to those suffering from Bipolar Disorder. It is often difficult for doctors to diagnose as patients most often see a psychiatrist during depression. As a result, it makes it hard for the patient to break out of the vicious cycle Bipolar Disorder creates. I believe if I had not been properly diagnosed, I would not be where I am today.

Currently, I am three semesters away before graduating from San Diego State University with a degree in International Business emphasizing in Chinese/Asia-Pacific. I am in Tianjin, China for the semester studying Mandarin. After graduation, I plan on attending University of Hawaii in Manoa William S. Richardson School of Law where I will earn my JD in Chinese law. I still feel the sting of my first year in college both financially and academically. But by being diagnosed, I was given the proper tools to be in control of my life. I am someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I will not let bipolar disorder define who I am.