Info on bi-polar disorder - my story
by T. W.
(Cincinnati, OH)
Somehow, I always knew I was different. I first started suffering from severe depression at about age 11, but no one around me knew -- not my parents, teachers, or friends. On the outside it seemed like I had everything going for me. I was a straight-A student, a cheerleader, pretty, and popular. But on the inside I was falling apart.
Sometimes I felt guilty for the way I felt. I knew other people had it way worse than I did, so why did I feel lousy? I must be selfish, I thought. Quit feeling sorry for yourself, I told myself. But it didn't work. I was 14 the first time I attempted suicide.
I made it through and pulled out of the depression, and then, wow! Did I ever feel great! I was on top of the world! My creative juices flowed, I wrote amazing poetry, created elaborate projects for school. Life couldn't be better. Until the next time.
I graduated from high school with honors and went on to college. But by then I had developed this very impulsive quitting pattern. Back in high school I had suddenly quit the cheerleading squad half-way through the season, letting down the other girls. The following year I switched to being a majorette, but then suddenly quit that, too. I blamed that on the fact that I got my first job and didn't have time for being a majorette. But, hey, guess what? I quit that with no notice, too. When I started college I went back to cheerleading, but half-way through the year, I quit that squad as well. After two years of college, I quit that, too, without earning any type of degree.
Throughout my adult life, I went up and down, either battling depression or being the perfect young woman. My love life has been incredibly unstable, with three divorces under my belt and four children by four different fathers. I can't count the number of times I've packed up my bags -- and my children -- in the middle of the night and moved to another state. I've done four stints in hospitals: three in psych wards and one in the ICU after an almost-successful suicide attempt.
And through it all I've maintained an excellent relationship with all my children. I've been successful at any job I've had: I've worked as a newspaper reporter and editor, a case worker for the welfare department, a real estate agent, and was recently promoted at my current job to accounting/human resources manager. I own a nice home and a nice car, and I doubt any co-worker I've ever had or any of my neighbors would ever guess in a million years that I have bi-polar disorder.
I was officially diagnosed in 1999, but I didn't accept the diagnosis until 2005. That's when I started taking my Depakote as prescribed and trying to understand this disease. And this is what I've learned:
1) Bi-polar disorder is not what I am, it is something I have. It is a serious, challenging and sometimes debilitating disease that is also potentially fatal. Just as a person with diabetes must take medication for life, a person with bi-polar disorder must take medication. But this disease can be managed, and I can live a long, happy, productive life.
2) Bi-polar disorder gets a bad rap. There will always be those who want to dismiss me as "crazy" rather than showing empathy to a disease that I did not choose. That is their own ignorance. And I get such a feeling of dread when I am watching the news and a story breaks about someone who snapped and committed some heinous crime, and then that he/she "had a history of mental illness." I promise, world, I am not now nor will I ever be a murderer! Ninety-nine percent of us are good people!
3) If I want to feel well I need to take care of myself. Take my medication. (Religiously.) Get 8 or even 9 hours of sleep per night. (That alone does wonders)Exercise. (A walk around the block gets the blood pumping, gets some sunshine on my face, and gives me a chance to think).
I have been in and out of college through the years, mostly going at night, part-time, and/or online classes. At times I've taken long breaks (years) when I was feeling overwhelmed by work, kids, school -- and bi-polar disorder on top of it all. But education is so important to me, and I always went back. I received an associate's degree several years ago, and I will finally earn a bachelor's degree in just a couple of weeks. I start a master's program in January 2010.
Yea, me.
