Bipolar infidelity

Bipolar infidelity is a common - and tragic - consequence of mania and hypersexuality. NOW is the time to discover the facts and avoid the pitfalls.

In this section we will discuss causes, cures, and some sad and scary statistics.

This is a page I have wanted to write for a long time because it is SUCH an important topic, and because it is the issue I get the most questions and requests about.

However, it is a difficult subject for me personally because this was the main way my most serious manic episode manifested.

My own bipolar infidelity destroyed my relationship, my finances, my self-respect, my happiness, my peace of mind, and my entire sense of self, so I hope there will be readers who can benefit from my mistakes.

Causes and cures

(At this point you may want to learn about bipolar and causes.)

The cause is the hypersexuality, impaired judgement, poor impulse control, and grandiosity all brought on by mania. The cure is to stabilize the bipolar person and stop the mania - invariably this is best done with a proven mood stabilizer such as lithium. In this sense, there is nothing personal about bipolar infidelity. Of course it does not feel that way, especially if sexual cheating has been accompanied by emotional withdrawal and/or irritability. However this behavior is also generally part of the mania - or the hypomania - infidelity is an issue for Bipolar Type I AND Bipolar Type II .

I know this is a difficult concept - how ridiculous to say that this most personal and intimate of betrayals is "nothing personal". I am not asking you to not react, or to not feel all the hurt and anger that infidelity creates. In order to understand things though, and in order to improve the situation, you must try to enagage a more detached and rational side of yourself. try, if possible, to separate your unfaithful partner as a person from their manic behavior.

Sometimes "hate the sin, love the sinner" is too much to ask and it is not possible to forgive the cheating. Nobody else can decide this for you - but I do know that regardless of whether or not you stay in the relationship, you will feel much better if you can understand this central point - a bipolar person cheats in the grip of mania - it is the illness in one of its ugliest manifestations. It would not have happened if your partner had been well and stable. It is a symptom of the disease - unfortunately quite a common one.

The decision to forgive will require you to have important information so you can decide how much of it was "mania" and how much of it was "personal". You need to know if your partner was on medication at the time and look for all the other signs of a manic episode. Talking to a professional could be very helpul here.

You may also want to take a look at these tips for coping wth a loved one's bipolar episodes.

Please think carefully about this information on bipolar infidelity. AN EXPLANATION IS NOT AN EXCUSE! However, the more you can understand how mania fuels hypersexuality, impairs judgement, and distorts the bipolar person's underlying personality and character, the quicker you can move on.

Your only point of power is in the present, so while your partner MUST take responsibility for their bad behavior, you MUST keep moving forward if you are to overcome this betrayal.

Some scary statistics

According to figures quoted by Goodwin and Jamison, hypersexuality was reported in 57% of manic individuals, based on averages across seven studies, with a range of values from 25% to 80%!

And remember, "sexual indiscretions" is such a significant marker of bipolar illness that it is included in the DSM-IV's diagnostic criteria.

Protecting yourself

If sexual promiscuity has been part of their manic behavior, consider using a condom to protect yourself from STDs, at least until you are sure your bipolar partner is stable, and get tested for STDs, including HIV/AIDS.

Also keep an eye on joint finances and consider how to restrict your partner's access to money, and also how to avoid liability for any debts they incur - it is not uncommon for someone on a manic spree of bipolar hypersexuality to destroy their finances in order to have sex.

Every day remind yourself:

- the infidelity was not my fault

- the infidelity resulted from my partner's bipolar mania - they made a terrible choice fueled by hypersexuality, impulsivity and imapired decision making ability

- you are loveable, desirable and deserve better - your partner MUST actively work at avoiding further manic episodes for you to even consider a second chance

- you have options and can make decisions in your own best interests and those of your children

- you can heal from this as an individual. Given the right attitude and treatment, it may also be possible for your partner to heal, and to heal your relationship.

A great book that may help is Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner by Julie A. Fast and Dr. John D. Preston. It was the first book on the subject and arguably still the best.

Another great read with a lot of practical tips is "Married to Mania".

Cheating on a bipolar partner

For example, some medications cause weight gain and loss of libido. This can be difficult for the other person who finds themselves in a relationship with a bipolar partner who is disinterested in sex and different physically to the person they were first attracted to. Also, if a bipolar person is having a depressive episode, they may have little desire to make love and may be emotionally withdrawn or unavailable.

This can be very isolating and make the partner of a bipolar person feel rejected, angry, frustrated - all the negative emotions that so often trigger infidelity.

Therapy is essential

My personal perspective is that therapy and counselling are essential, either after the bipolar infidelity, or when a manic episode begins to develop. It is important to go together, and to see a therapist who is experienced in bipolar disorder. One of the terrible ironies of my own manic meltdown was that I was in therapy at the time! I even told my psychologist about my cybersex addiction. Unfortunately I was seeing someone who did not have the skills and knowledge to recognize bipolar. Couples counselling with an experienced professional could have saved my relationship, so PLEASE do this for yourself.

Bipolar infidelity and the Internet

In particular be aware of the following - chat rooms and typical internet dating sites may look different - especially if the chat room is for bipolar support - but both can harbor folks who are looking for sexual connections. If your loved one is spending a lot of time in ANY kind of chat room, you need to know what is going on. If they appear defensive or secretive you need to talk - of course they may be getting much needed support and are entitled to privacy and space, but hanging out in any potential pick-up joint is a recipe for disaster when mania is brewing. Also learn about bipolar sleep as insomnia and late night surfing are symptoms AND warning signs of pending mania and, by extension, possible infidelity.

Financial betrayal

If you or your spouse has damaged your credit, see essential advice on Bipolar Debt.

You may also want to read up on Excessive Spending and Bipolar Disorder.

Bipolar treatment contracts

One way to handle these delicate issues is through a bipolar treatment contract. The Harvard Bipolar Project provides excellent information about bipolar treatment contracts and a free downloadable sample contract. A bipolar treatment contract is an agreement a bipolar person makes with their loved ones at a time when they are well, to handle the difficulties that may arise if the bipolar person becomes unwell.

Bipolar Resources

Bipolar infidelity is such a huge, complex and painful topic. It is impossible to cover it properly in a webpage, so I am currently writing my first e-Book. It will much more detailed, and provide practical, concrete tools for dealing wih the before, during and aftermath of bipolar infidelity - for both parties. Please visit regularly. I am hoping to have it ready soon.

In the meantime I strongly suggest the excellent book "Married to Mania".

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